THE BLOTTER: I’ll be stoned for Christmas

If you’re gonna get ridiculously high and go nuts in pubic, we highly recommend wearing a bizarre, attention-getting outfit to amp up the drama.

A chicken suit ...sure, that fits the bill.

A 47-year-old man man near Lake Oconee took a bunch of psychedelic mushrooms while wearing a full-length chicken suit. His girlfriend had just dumped him, and he wasn’t handling his newfound singlehood too well.

So his now ex-girlfriend called police to report that her ex-boyfriend had “basically gone nuts on mushrooms” and was “beating on passersbys’ cars and screaming and hollering at them,” according to WSB-TV.

Cops arrived and found the 47-year-old man walking through a neighborhood, pounding on cars with his fists, while wearing “a yellow onesie-style pajama outfit meant to resemble a chicken.”

Cops tried to stop him. And yet, the 47-year-old man kept beating on cars — even pounding on a police patrol car. (Bad move, fella.)

The 47-year-old man even asked cops, “Are you real? Am I real?”

Cops arrested the 47-year-old and took him to his home. (This was a real gift on cops’ part, since the man’s chicken suit would NOT have gone over well in the local jail.)

Once at his home, the 47-year-old man relaxed, lying in his hammock outside. And yet, he kept asking cops, “Are you real” and “Am I real?”

Eventually, cops arrested the 47-year-old in chicken suit on disorderly conduct and obstructing police charges.

“Why the chicken suit, unfortunately, that would have been a question I asked,” noted the arresting officer.

The chicken suit man since has been released on bond.

Moral of the story: Don’t take mushrooms while wearing a adult sized chicken suit. In public, at least. It really is that simple.

A gift from Satan?

In Northwest Atlanta, around 11:30 a.m. on a Sunday, a 22-year-old woman left her apartment to “go get me some food,” she said. The woman discovered “feces smeared all over my unit door and doorbell from a boo-boo filled diaper that was launched and smeared all over my door.”

The woman said, “I thought it was food at first, until I came back to try to clean it up and the hallway smelled horrible!” the woman told WSB-TV. “Once I confirmed it was feces, I couldn’t stomach to clean it up and I don’t have any gloves in my apartment.”

The woman texted her maintenance person and was told they won’t be in until Monday. The woman said, “I’ m waiting for the leasing office to open first thing Monday morning to get to the bottom of this!”

“Bottom.” Pun intended or no?

The woman, who lives on Donald Lee Holloway Parkway, concluded: “My safety is at risk, now people are coming to vandalize where my son and I live!”

Angels we have heard on high

Ever feel like you just *DO NOT* want to go home for the holidays and deal with all that passive-aggressive family drama?

Well, A 38-year-old Atlanta man recently jumped out of the emergency exit of a Southwest Airlines plane — and climbed onto the airplane’s wing. Fortunately, the plane was parked on the tarmac at the time.

Other passengers were boarding the plane, which was at the airport in New Orleans before heading to Atlanta, it’s final destination.

Cops said the 38-year-old Atlanta man was unarmed and didn’t hurt anyone. Also, he seemed unaware of his surroundings. The man wasn’t charged with any crime — but was sent to a hospital for overnight observation.

Naughty would be nice this Christmas

A 35-year-old woman was “laying with her vagina” on display, while spread out on the ground at the intersection of Auburn Avenue and Peachtree Street. It was about 4p.m., so plenty of drivers in cars witnessed the woman’s “I touch myself” performance.

“While putting on my gloves,” a cop approached the woman laying down in street, genitals wide open.

The cop: “What are you doing?”

Woman replied: “Why are you looking?”

(Oh, honey, because your vag is wide open on Auburn Avenue. Really?)

The woman got up, the cop “grabbed her to put cuffs on,” she dug her long fingernails into his arm. The cop had to get his scratches and swollen arm checked out at Grady. The woman went to jail on public indecency and disorderly conduct charges.

Jingle them bells

In Atlantic Station, two cops were parked in the garage of a apartment complex for about two minutes — when a white Audi they’d seen at a nearby Shell station pulled into the garage. “Immediately after, a man got out and walked til he was parallel to the driver’s side door — and proceeded to fondle himself,” the cop noted in the police report. The man was completely naked from the waist down. “The man had on a gray jacket and a covid-type mask and a black hat. Also, he had on white socks with crocs and no pants or underwear on.”

The cops noted: “In a few seconds we processed what was happening and started screaming at him (in disbelief). After we started screaming, he ran in front of the car — while stile fondling himself — to the residence entrance door of the apartment complex and tried to open the door and run inside.”

But you need a key fob to enter the apartment complex. So the man was stuck outside — in his jacket and naked from the waist down. The officer started recording video on his phone.

The man ran back to his white Audi and hopped inside. The officer was hoping to film the man’s license plate, but he’d removed it. The man sped out of the apartment complex, and ran a red light on 14^th street and disappeared into the dark, cold night.

Silent night

In downtown Atlanta on Peachtree Street, cops got a call about a possible DUI driver facing the wrong way on a one way street.

When an officer arrived on scene, he noticed that the male driver was fast asleep behind the wheel, “with the car running, while facing the wrong way on a one-way street,” cops noted.

The driver, a 28-year-old man, smelled of booze and his eyes were bloodshot, cops also noted. “He said he was coming from the Clermont Lounge,” cops noted in police report. “(His) movement was very lethargic and his speech was slurred.”

Cops asked the 28-year-old for his driver’s license. He said he just moved here from Florida and left it at home.

“I asked him how much he had to drink tonight at the Clermont and he said, “Not much.”

The cop continued, “I asked him if he knew what time it was, and he sat there and said nothing. I asked him if he did not know what time it was, and he told me he knew exactly what time it was, but wasn’t going to answer.” He wanted his lawyer.

“I asked him if he had anything to say – and he said, ‘Nope.” —CL—

The Blotter Diva compiles reports from the Atlanta Police Department and local news reports and puts them into her own words.